31 Days of Horror: Day 9 – Simon Says

It saddens me to say it, because I truly adore Crispin Glover, but this movie was just terrible. I think somewhere around half way through, they realized how bad their creation was, and decided to just get totally ridiculous. At least, I hope that’s what happened. As far as I’m concerned, there’s really only one good thing about this movie, and that’s that Crispin Glover got paid for making it. Although, I doubt the check from this nanner went very far in funding Crispin’s more worthwhile ventures.

Simon Says           I honestly don’t know where to begin with what’s wrong with Simon Says, a movie in which Glover pretends to be a pair of backwoods twins with an unlimited supply of pick axes. I guess the first problem is that none of the people you’re supposed to care about are any good. The stoner, the goody-goody, the dumb jock, the slut, and the DREAM GIRL! (watch it and the caps will make sense), are all pretty awful. Within the first five minutes, you will not care if any of them lives. In fact, if you’re like me, you’ll just sit back and enjoy watching hillbilly Glover pick them off one by one. Because of this lack of a worthwhile protagonist, the subsequent forty-five minutes of exposition really drag on. There’s some truly deplorable dialogue along the way as well, and a number of recycled jokes. On top of all this, by the time we get to the deaths, they look pretty awful. I think most of the effects budget was spent on plastic skeletons and a crank-powered contraption that flings the aforementioned pick axes. We see some mutilated bodies, and the stoner is ironically set ablaze. Even a dog is smashed on screen. But, all of these deaths look very fake. Worse than your typical cheap horror fake. Possibly the worst thing about Simon Says is that the entire plot doesn’t make any sense without multiple viewings (yes…I watched it twice. Don’t judge me), because were supposed to realize that Simon has been dead this whole time, and that Stanley is just pretending to be both of them. This is a plot twist that will not be recognized if you don’t notice one single scene transition in particular. Sure, Stanley yells it out later in the movie, but the man is so crazy that is just sounds like lunatic ramblings instead of a big reveal. And actually, I take it back. The worst thing about this movie is the one liner that has to be endured by viewers, over and over: You didn’t say Simon says! Even when Crispin’s saying it in a soft, and enduringly creepy, Salad Fingers-esque whisper, it’s still very annoying.

The pros:

  • Crispin Glover screams, a lot. Fans of Glover know how fantastic he is at using the old pulmonary glands.
  • Crispin Glover is covered in blood throughout the film. It has a niceness to it.
  • Bruce Glover is in it too, if only for a moment.
  • The hand sandwich.
  • Hearing Crispin Glover say “bad, bad puppy” in his terrible hillbilly accent. You’ll notice I didn’t say southern accent. That’s because I don’t think Crispin really knew what he needed to sound like. Gosh darn it, I’m sure he tried his hardest, because he always does, but redneck just doesn’t suit him.
  • Bizarre, oversized saw contraptions, attached to trip wires.
  • Offhand sexual tension. Just once, I want to see the damsel fall for the creepy murderer. Why does this never happen? You know at least one of these girls has to be down for it. Seriously, look at the guy.

simon says 2

simons says 7

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